I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I dont know how, but im in a crappy mood
I think it has alot of causes, but mainly comes down to one central cause...my family (of course you knew that)
Its slowly starting to sink in that next week i'll be home and out of school...getting kicked out isnt fun at all...Welcome to College failout...population: me. I dont want to go home, not in the slightest...i'll just become worse off than now.
Randy sent me yet another IM to go meet up with him..which i ignored. I cant believe he seriously wants me to do that...creep he deserves to get somethi8n bad done to him (though nothing that is too bad)
So i told Brie that my life sucks..to which she told me that no it cant...this cause a whole slew of childhood memories to come flooding back to me...none of the happy family kind.. like getting beaten with bread knives, spatulas, wooden spoons, belts, etc. to a point where the principal of my grade school threatened to call social services on my parents...memories of getting no praise for the good things (like As in school) but the second you do the slightest thing wrong got a beating...even to the point where my friends never wanted to come to my house cuz my parents would chew them out, and on friday nights when my dad came home drunk, my friends wanted to run for the hills.
Some people online who i used to talk to daily for hours on end just seem to be slowly vanishing from my life, and i just cant help that its me they are running from. I just used to be a very happy kid with no cares, and then *poof* everything changed...and then slowly it started to get to me. i think my spirit has completely died and has witherred away...leaving me with nothing. no will to live or thrive even. People try to build up my esteem and stuff..they tell me how absolutely great I am and how hott i am and compassionate and...you get the idea...but i just cant seem to take these and put a positive spin on me...its like i cant
at times i just wanna put myself into a deep seculded place and cut contact with everyone...i know that other people would probably be happier...so thats all that matters *shrugs*
Now that i depressed myself enough...i think ill go hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep